All at Once

All at once
When you ask
what do I need

there is no confusion
No second guessing
You know.
Food, shelter, medicine
Family to be safe
Country to be healed
That is it.

It was always true
But now, you know it
You know it, like you know
The smell of spring or the taste of winter
You know it, like you know the sky is blue
Or the way your grandma’s house smells
And you will always know it
From here on out

The Love of your life
Means love for my life
For the green things
that will soon sprout
For the Robin who sings
And geese coming north
For the homeless, the weak and the strong And even, those with mansions
You have learned
We are all connected
On this blue beautiful earth
you’ll never be able to forget
And that is a gift, if you can live
With it

The Hardest thing

The hardest thing
is to live with love and kindness
in a cruebullshitworld
I am an atheist so I believe in kindness
And love not because of what is to come
But what is. I am is
Every day I am reminded of my frailty
And temporary status by the pain
That burns my heart and body

I am doing all
I can to stay kind
Anger and pain trick me
somedays I want to die too
The abyss, the last breath
Seems both terrifying and reassuring
At least I don’t have to worry
About forever
My body, fat and aging and full of pain
Is all I have. It has mostly bad sides
If I am touched it hurts
If I wake up it hurts
If I walk it hurts
I have lost all hope of not being in hurts
I have accepted it
It has made me free
I dress how I like. I laugh how I want.
I live how I like
And say what I want

If I feel like it, I say fuck you dog shit liar
And if I feel like it, I say, I love you dog shit liar
I know what is mine
my time, my love, my life

I don’t know if you own yours
or
If you are still trying to become some other time
I could tell you, don’t waste yours
Feeling less than -It’s your brain sucking you
But it’s your choice and sometimes necessary
you are dog shit, after all
You are a dumb dumb. You’ve proved it.
Who isn’t? Who hasn’t ?
Don’t worry if you hate yourself
You probably have good reason
Most of us do
Just accept your a fuckturd
And go from there
The important thing you must
Consider is what kind of you, you’re in
if your going to wear stonewalled brutal you
Or are you going to allow love
space inside your body?
It hurts you, at first, just so you know
And you will have panic attacks
And you will lash out at those around you
You may attempt to take your life
Or run away to another town
And maybe you will
And maybe you’ll find a better job or lover
Or view and a minute
You’ll be able to breathe in your body
And feel the earth between your toes
Just maybe the fear will lessen long
Enough for some love to get in
Some kindness to shuffle to the front
Or a smile widen across your body
And in that moment breathe
Just breathe you in
This is you
Then, look out and see us
The forests and dogs
The 13 lined squirrels and corn flowers
The creeping Charlie and the crows
We are hard and uneven, like you
Breathing here too
Learning to love here too
Sometimes failing here too

Please be gentle with
Your existence.

Press it lightly on
With us
And witness the spec of time we are

My Husband is time

My husband is a not real
He is my fantasy.
I made this world
In a sweet slumber
after drinking the last
of summer’s rations
Where I am loved so well
And kissed so tenderly
With the scent of cardamom and orange
his touch of warmth and electricity
He is a God with a magic penis
That can stop time and suspend gravity

Some strange luck loops
Has stopped war and given

me this dream life and his to share

I am day dreaming girl
sleeping in a dirt tent

if you find me
do not wake me

there are dark shadows
in my world.
I am fighting in a war
on the wrong side of a line

With a broken foot and a belly wound

I don’t make it out of here alive
this dream is all I’ll know of time or love

Drop dirt or petals if you must

Raining Ice Again

You have been in your head too much
this doesn’t work for you
You are a doer. You must stay busy and engaged
Right now, you are not. You are tired and in pain
Your mouth is dry, your skin is dry. It is cold outside
…You’re an idiot.
I’m bored of this already
This needs to be erased
I need to go for a walk

Off a cliff. dive into a dream of cold water
I want summer in Lake Superior
I want her freedom
Her sweet clean air

It is winter. White and dirty and grey
I slept like shit again last night.
My neck hurts. Blah
That is what I feel like
Blah
Blah blah blah
I am wasting my living
Here
Far away
I am giving it all, for what I can’t grass anymore

Da Vinci

The greatest painter to ever paint
Made sure to fuzzy the line
Where one ended and another began
That is what I am trying with your love
And poetry

This is not the poem I want to write
The poem I want to write is about taking
care of one another
But that poem is boring and nice
It is too polite for us

What the hell are we doing?
Why are we not fucking?
Must I beg for your cock in my mouth?

You are doing dishes and Im pretty 
sure you have fever too
Both of the girls do. 
I can barely stand. We are dizzy
And puking and coughing and shitting 
But you are doing the dishes
You come and check on us
bring water from the other side
of the universe and those cool magic pills. 
Yesterday I went to store 
and got a bunch of groceries. 
you were sleeping and had a fever. 
Then I cleaned. 
Brought you some pills 
And helped the girls. 
We take care of each other. 
When people complain about being married
I want to say, have you tried sucking his dick? 
Maybe if you give it all 
maybe the someone else 
will give it all back to you

Wash your face

Somethings don’t have to be said

I know that all humans are not bad

But I have a hard time fingerings out the good ones

I don’t trust my ability fully. 

 There is always something I can miss

This uncertainty is my armor 

I try to keep one foot on the ground

And one hand on my pistol 

I not going to put up with bullshit

Its nothing personal, you understand?

It just, you see, I don’t know

how long I have to live

It may end soon or something

so I don’t want to waste any time

on bullshit -You get it

You’ve wasted time on bullshit

I see it on your face

On Christmas past

The Christmas lights on my tree

            twinkle, unnecessarily. 

Its all I have kept of tradition

You never put me right

Maybe you tried  

Maybe you loved me

But that’s not enough

Your love can’t cover up your abuse
I’m not a little child. But I’m still vulnerable 

I admit it.  I’m at accepting 

I can’t live for you
I’m not sorry.  

You wanted me to carry you

Like a pointless backpack of rocks

like a bucket of shit  

sloshing on top of my head

I was your surefooted mule

I took pride in how much I could carry

For you

I’ve put it down 

The bible, the apologizing, the pride,  shame,

And now – the fear and bucket of hate.

I’ve given up being the ass
Its no longer my surprise

I’m not passing it on or boxing it up

Or hiding it in the basement

Wrapped tight for later
You fucked up

You 

fucked 

up

you carry it

  

 

Nostalgia for War and Peace

Annieepoetry

I get it.  It was a simpler time

A sweeter time for rivers and old trucks

and tongue flicks

Or it was the music

Or maybe we are magnets

and memory aligns us back

to the crystal structure we were before

I’m not sure.  It doesn’t make sense to me

I’m aware of my ignorance.   I don’t need

everything to fit into hard little rows

It doesn’t have to be simple or straight for me

to swallow it whole and let it keep my stomach warm and new

I love winter. There I said it.  I love the cold, the snow

The bundling up with sweaters and blankets

I love hot beverages and rums and scotches

I love cedar in the swamp toppled with clean white snow

And hot steam from my mouth when I breathe out

In steam visions, touching your cheek

As my feet make a trail along a…

View original post 284 more words

Nostalgia for War and Peace

I get it. It was a simpler time

A sweeter time for rivers and old trucks

and tongue flicks

Or it was the music

Or maybe we are magnets

and memory aligns us back

to the crystal structure we were before

I’m not sure. It doesn’t make sense to me

I’m aware of my ignorance. I don’t need

everything to fit into hard little rows

It doesn’t have to be simple or straight for me

to swallow it whole and let it keep my stomach warm and new

I love winter. There I said it. I love the cold, the snow

The bundling up with sweaters and blankets

I love hot beverages and rums and scotches

I love cedar in the swamp toppled with clean white snow

And hot steam from my mouth when I breathe out

In steam visions, touching your cheek

As my feet make a trail along a doe’s path

Over the creek into the meadow under the apple tree

Pausing to breathe and breathe, happy and sad

I like feeling the relief when I step into a warm home, when I stomp my feet and take off my boots and scarf and hat and coat, the hot fluster on my cheeks. And then smelling the wood burning fire, the chimney puffing up

like my heart for you and our world

I love you. I can’t help it. It’s the music. The step. The waves. The past or the future

It doesn’t matter. But its here. It hangs on.

It doesn’t leave. It isn’t sick or destructive

not disparate or selfish. It doesn’t hurt.

Its not a spring flower, nor a brown crumpled leaf.

It’s a rustic road that runs up north along lake Michigan and never seems to end

That leads to lake superior and cools all the fear out.

You can’t own or fight it. There is no need. It’s here, in my poetry

These silent odes, from an old fat human woman

who is learning to walk soft and dream expansive peace

I don’t want to go to war. But the war is here too.

So now I dream we are holding hands, like little laughing children

Who have not learned to hate or mistrust.

I am transforming myself.

I am focusing my intentions on life. I am forever restarting with me.

I am learning to live free of ego and hate.

I am eating the fear and panic one breath at a time.

It will take times. There is times for you to learn too.

Put your ear on my heart, I am alive with you. What more could we ask for?

[AL1]

I don’t want

Limits.

This language wants to hold me down and make me speak clearly or cure silence

But what I can’t scratch out or won’t whisper in your ear is more important then what I have
This
finite is mine or yours

Jellyfish

There is a jellyfish that doesn’t  die.

It grows old and then young again and then old and then young in a circle of cycles in a lake living on and on and on

I want to eat one

guilt is a funny thing

 

 

 

it doesn’t matter if you knew better

or if you were doing your best with

the knowledge you had

 

if your own hindsight doesn’t shame you

someone else’s will

 

if it doesn’t, you’re probably not human

 

This morning

This morning they found the old lady

half-dressed, unconscious on the floor

No one knows how long she was there

They took her to the hospital

So I think she is alive

update on annieepoetry

 

Its been a year in this new town – this new world of cars and prairie.

 A year since I started to blog -post my poems and my thoughts about this mad world.  

I still long for Lake Superior.  I still long for friends who care for me and poetry and art and music.  But I am learning the true sacrifice of writing, of growing old, of loving.  Some years you are a lone.  Some years you spend inside your cardboard box and the only comfort from the isolation is going to grocery store and looking the clerk in the eyes.  Hi in there…. Its hard for me to reach out and say -play with me.  

I get so obsessed with writing that I forget to go and mingle with people.  I forget that poetry is a performing art and one of the many reasons why I was drawn to it in the first place.   As I get older (still too young to be president) I have the urge to sit alone.  

The days rush by so fast with daily activities of cleaning, shopping, and caring for my family, of reading, painting and writing -now a year has passed.  

Husband is doing good at the job, got raises, and working hard.  Daughter is adjusting, and learning so much.  Reading well and learning to ask great questions…. that I don’t always have a meaningful answer for.  She is learning to connect with the world and see the patterns, some skewed and false, others true.  My little teacher, showing me love and justice.  And she paints, this girl with the focus and heart of an old woman.  

Spring is coming to southern Wisconsin. The birds are twittering. I heard geese flying above.  People can be seen on the sidewalk.    Living in this condo, this city of normal. 

 

I have been feeling out of the loop, out of the world. I have been walking around with double vision -inside my body and outside of it -watching.  Its strange.   I keep listening and watching -looking for the first time and the millionth time.  Being an artist -a writer is not what I would have chosen If I had any smarts.  But being dumb and full of passion, a dumb kid, an animal playing this is where I am and  know – I love it.

 There is so much about my life that I love  -husband and daughter, writing – having a place to rest my head at night, food, ale… Scotch.books…  music.. that I can’t say that dreams don’t come true. In truth, my dreams are coming true, rolling on top of me, the universe bends for me and says get on my back.  My luck dragon, the universe.   But I want more. I want to write better. I want good friends as neighbors.  I want family closer…  want and want, despite having everything I need.  

That is one of the things about me that has stayed constant.  I strive and dream, and want utopia for you, for me – for the world. and that to me would be artists,music -dancing and singing, working and creating, loving and growing and learning. I don’t think I will ever lose that desire, that longing.  If I do, smack me and tell me to get real.

I Use Poems

I use poems the size of war.

I write them in the morning

after the pretty city motions work.

When other citizens shop

for beans or rake progress

I arrange sounds that fuck people.

 

So high they get, after my oos and aahs

they promise not to kill again 

 

new place